My life now

Hello my handful of readers! I haven’t been able to formulate my feelings into words for awhile, but I’m gonna give it a whirl tonight. After losing my job in January I was distraught. No matter what anyone said for a time there I had a plan and it was to end myself. I didn’t tell anyone that I was going to do that. I figured that I wasn’t going to get another job and that I was going to lose everything. I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone, so once I was not able to keep up with bills and such, that was the time to go to sleep. I know that there are people that love me and like me that would be hurt deeply by my leaving, but I thought that in the long run it would be easier on them. Now, I’m not going through with anything now, otherwise I wouldn’t be talking about it now. I am still deeply depressed and showing signs of some psychological issues that frankly I am irritated by because they are not like me at all. You see I’m a social animal and need the company of people, but because I have so little money I am afraid to leave the house because it always cost’s money to go anywhere. Now when I do leave I get a fair bit of anxiety.

This brings me to why I’m writing now. You see since I’ve had these issues I’ve made myself get out and visit with people again. Through this I have gotten information about what is being said about me and frankly it is disturbing. I am angry, hurt, frustrated and just plain pissed off. It seems that someone is going around giving the impression that I am some sort of deviant theif. That I cannot be trusted and thus it is making it very difficult for me to get a job. You know I was thrown away for no good reason, that should have been enough. Now I hear them trying to destroy my good name. Stupid part is that they are doing this in a town that I was born in and am very well connected in. Of course nobody believes them. So I’ve been talking to several people and letting them know the truth and thanking them for understanding.

This week I hear that another person is claiming fame for my destruction. Telling a whopper of a lie, I mean 30 pounds ago maybe, but please don’t make me laugh. This is all I will say about this new one. You know I didn’t know that they had such feelings for me. I’ve been gone for 2 months and they are still trying to break me down to their level. It’s really painful though when someone who I thought was a friend try their best to hurt me for no reason. I guess it was my fault for allowing what should have been a job, consume my whole life. I put myself into what I did, which was try to run the businesses the best way possible and watch out for the people working for me at the same time. My mistake I guess is, I should have waited on someone hand and foot instead of doing what was making a profitable business.

In the end I think I’m the winner. The businesses are not doing as well as they could. I’m betting someone is thinking that they made a big mistake in throwing me away. And I now realize that I was really good at my job, so good that there are 4 people trying to keep up with what I was doing all on my own, and not getting it done. I lived everyday thinking that I was letting someone down and it took this to realize that I was. I was letting myself down, because I was missing out on my friends and family by working all the time. Now it is up to me to make that change in my life for the better. For those who worry, I’m getting better and soon I think I’ll be fine. No I cannot seem to find a job at this point and don’t really know what I’m going do. I’ll keep breathing and I’m getting out more. I plan on getting out and golfing more, maybe I’ll get to be a bad player instead of a terrible one! I will write again soon.

Family, Friends and Other People

I am putting fingers to keys again to try to put my mind to rest. I have been plagued for the last few weeks by many issues that I cannot get my mind around. The title of this blog matches what I have come up with concerning those around me and well all of us really. I am trying to write my understanding of each of the humans that are around me. In the end I may not know anymore than I do now, but I hope that I can feel better about my life connections. So here goes my definition of my humans.

Family, I have an interesting one. A fine mixture of crazy, intelligent, feminist, redneck, compassionate and Loving folks! They for the most part take me as I am and that is enough for them. I have not been a good relative for quite some time now. You see I have poured myself  into my work for  so long that I have almost forgotten how to be the person I used to be. That is sad for me and I am going to try to work harder at being me. They have reached out to me and I didn’t know how to take their hand. When I knew that I could so much time had passed that  couldn’t bring myself to call back, because I couldn’t lie to them and I didn’t know what to say. There are reasons that I haven’t and I will explain as this progresses further along.

Friends, I actually don’t have as many as I would like, nor do I have as many as I thought I had. I have a simple definition of friend. You talk to, listen to, depend on and are there to be leaned on. And you don’t worry that what you express will ever be told to anyone else. In that regard I can say that I have one friend. Recently I thought that I had more friends and I was so very wrong. I will admit that I was warned by many people of the total lack of integrity, morals or personality. I do have an issue in that I have a faith that everyone has good in them, but I’m learning. Through this mis-judgement I will it seems be finding a new career. My goal through this is that I will work harder at finding more friends and nourishing them so that I have people. And in doing so I won’t have more evenings like this one. I have been home for almost 4 hours and I haven’t uttered a syllable. Sometimes it’s ok to go so long without talking, but it’s bothersome as well.

Others, the most confusing people I know. You see they are the rest of the world. Some I know well, some I know a little and of course some I don’t know at all. I have alot of people around me that I know really well, but for one reason or another they are not friends. I know why most are not friends. I try to be nice to everyone I meet and even nice to those that clearly don’t want to be nice to me. I figure that maybe I can win them over. I had made it 43 years of life without having to say that anyone hated me. But here I am, and I have 2 or 3 people who hate me. I tried my best to get along, but these people made it impossible. The part I hate about myself is that if they would only try I would forgive and move forward. You see one person lead to another and so on. The first I don’t understand, because I brought them into my life thinking that they would be an asset. I worked harder than I ever have to make it work and it backfired on me. Or should I say I was stabbed from behind. This person is someone who works so hard at knowing more than me and will not listen to me and they believe I am in competition with them. The sad part is, I brought them in for their knowledge and ability.  Then the backstabbing occurred and added fuel to the fire. Funny that I say fire, because this lead to a snowball effect. This person got the ear of someone who can make my career end and subsequently that person told me that they are going to do just that. I have about a week left.

Well that’s my story. I worked so hard at my career that I pushed my family away. I bring someone into my world to  help, and with the assistance of my “friend” they are going to end the career that I worked so hard to have. Yes it’s true I should have kept my feelings to myself and ultimately it is my fault for expressing myself, but in my defense I was talking to a “friend”. I’m concerned that I’m going to leave this world with nobody to say that I made a difference. I’ll keep plugging away and maybe I’ll find a new career soon and it could be the one that I was meant to have. And I hopefully have time to make a difference to someone.

My Own Heaven

I saw something today that made me think. What if when we die we get to go to our own heaven! I’ve seen it in movies and television and well I’m exploring what mine is. From an early age we are given an example of heaven as clouds, white robes, and trumpets. That was my belief for most of my life. And even as a child I didn’t think that would be my idea of heaven. Then some years later I saw a movie called Made in Heaven with Timothy Hutton. That movie really got me thinking about what my heaven is. If you get the chance watch it because it’s awsome.

Everyone is different and so everyone’s heaven must be different as well. I am most certainly different! I’ve given it much thought during my life and while some things vary, for the most part it has remained the same. You know as I have matured I’ve replaced characters and surroundings. While younger it was of course candy and toys. And in my teen years it was beer and rated R movies and girls!! For my younger readers, when I was a kid we weren’t allowed to watch anything harder than PG. We couldn’t get into them at the theaters, and there wasn’t DVD’s or VCR’s. Yep I’m old!! HaHaHa! Now that I’m in my $&^&@# and trying to be mature, I have a different take on my personal heaven.

So here goes, Dion’s Heaven: There are still modern devices, but I’m away from it all in a way. My house is at the base of  the mountains with a valley out in front. There is a river there full of fish and a forrest with massive trees. The house is a large two story log cabin with a seperate shop. Large spacious rooms with many windows to take in the vistas surrounding the house. The shop is for my wood working. I will make furniture to sell in the local city. The entire property is powered by a windmill powerstation. So it is seperate from the grid. In order to get to the city I have a wagon and horses, because there are no vehicles allowed within 30 miles of the house. My days consist of waking up when I want to, going to my shop and working for a few hours a day, tending the land and of course there is a garden. I will spend some day’s fishing for my dinner and swimming. Once a month I will load up and begin the journey to the city. At the outskirts of my property I have a stable and garage. There I stable the horses and move my wares to the truck for the drive to the city. I sell my furniture and get supplies for the coming month. Drive back home and live more.

I know that most will say that in heaven you won’t work, but really how long can you sit around and do nothing? Besides it’s my heaven anyway! I have dreampt of building and selling my own furniture for quite some time and living out there in the mountains and doing what I dream of, wow!! So this for the time being is my idea of heaven, and who know’s if something interesting happens I could possibly make it a heaven on earth. In case someone wonders, no I’m not alone there is always someone there with me. She has changed thorough the years, not meaning the exact person so much as the idea of her. She is as skilled as I in woodworking, knows as much as I about farming, and is not afraid of work. As I said I’m different and my ideal woman in heaven as well as in life is smart, strong, funny, and caring. What can I say I want someone that meets me quip for quip! Never let’s me forget I’m loved. And will stand with me shoulder to shoulder. Yep she’s awsome and she’s there on the ranch, but in my dream I can’t really see her face but I see her always.

I told you I was different! I have a heaven that involves work with a woman that never let’s me get away with anything. My life has never been easy and I’m fine, so why would I want easy forever. The big difference is that in Dion’s heaven, working is not for money to pay bills, working is to live! I have had the dream of working to live ever since I started working to pay bills. I hope you like my vision of my afterlife!

Pride vs. Arrogance

Good thing that I have pride in myself! Otherwise I would really have a problem with all the arrogance I see. Wait… I do have a problem with it. As with almost every value and principle I was taught growing up the difference between pride and arrogance has blurred quite a bit. You see it is a very good thing to have pride in yourself. And the other side of the coin is that it is not so good to be arrogant. I will give my take on what I see and feel. You can agree or disagree, but I hope to create a thought about it and from that you can help bring about change.

Pride is something that I was shown from family and friends from as early as I can remember. My mother would tell me when I accomplished a task that the feeling I was having was pride! I liked it and from then on I did the best I could,(most of the time) so that I could have that feeling again. Through the years, I have tried to live my life, so that overall I could feel pride in myself as a person. This means that through my actions from day to day I have lived a life to feel pride as a human being. I have many people around me that I can say deserve to be proud of themselves. And there are many that do not and should not be proud of themselves. The funny thing is that the ones deserving are just living their lives and the ones that don’t are shouting about how proud they are and that’s why they cannot be any other way.

You see when you are worthy of feeling pride you are working at it and never telling anyone about it, because it’s your way of life. True pride in oneself  goes hand in hand with humility. When you use pride as an excuse, it’s not pride, it’s arrogance! There are so many people with a skewed view of pride that I feel it’s tearing away at our overall ability to get along. I’ve heard it so many times…ohhh he’s not mean it’s just his pride you know!! No he’s an arrogant, self-centered asshole!  These people that move about in life as if there is nobody but themselves around is crazy. I was driving home the other day and a woman ran a stop sign, causing me to slam on my brakes so as to avoid a collision. I look at her and she barely noticed I was there because her focus was on her phone. I see them everywhere, not holding a door open for a person who needs a hand. At the grocery store last week I let an elderly lady in line in front of me because she had only two items. And the grumbling from behind me was rediculous. Where is our humanity?

As the technology industry grows, I’m certain that we will have our cell phones embedded in our skulls soon, we will snap our heads to the left to answer, and to the right to hang up. From this people will be more connected to their small group and ignore the rest of the world and we as a people will no longer exist. Pride in living a life of respect and community will disappear. There will be small groups of people thinking they are too proud to connect with anyone that they do not know and not even realize that in fact they are diving deep into the arrogance of their own sef-worth. Thus destroying the fabric on which we were founded.

People need to wake up in America! It is a fact that there are many places in this world that will not allow children  to have cell phones. They know that you miss out on the world around you if your are glued to an electronic device. Not in America mind you! Ohh no we cannot do that, because if we did it would make the adults lives more difficult. They would have to talk to their children, take an interest in their lives, not have the ability to be self-absorbed with their own lives, and finally teach their kids that there is right and wrong and how to tell the difference between the two. Thus, from this they would in fact teach the children, how to have pride in themselves as human beings, and not be so arrogant as to think they are the only ones that matter in this world. Thank you and you can leave comments they are welcome!!!

Rules

From the beginning of life there are rules. Fire is hot, don’t touch it! When I came into this world it was a much different time than it is now. We were given a set of rules to live by and we did it. Had we not, there were consequenses some were physically painful, some were emotional. But through them we learned how to become responsible members of society. Because in society there are another set of rules and they are actually easier to follow than all the ones growing up. This is the joy of becoming an adult, the reins are in your hands now.

So, here we are in 2009 and there are at least 2 generations that didn’t have to live by that set of rules. Now, they are adults and they make the same mistakes they did as children. Because it wasn’t wrong when they were a kid, why should it be now? Thus we have the crumbling of the structure that we depended on for so many years and that was the American Dream! You see the dream should still be alive for those who have yet to come into this world. There are a few shinning examples still out there that give me hope that one day it will live again. The American Dream meant different things to everyone, but the core of it is simple. Go to school and get an education from it. Go to college and gain a career from it. Find love and wrap yourself in it. Get married and grow your family. Retire and have your grandchildren run around and be happy. Die knowing you left nothing on the table.

How did we get from there to here? Simple actually, none of us liked the rules as kids. Speak when spoken to, do what your told. Do your chores. Keep your room clean. Keep yourself clean. Do good in school…. Ahhh it was torture. Suffering the physical results of not following the rules was tough. From this there are some that saw it as a lesson learned and didn’t make those mistakes again and evolved. Some however, used what was hapenning as fodder to rebel. Not then mind you, but later when they had kids of their own. I’ve heard it a million times, I would never do that to my kids. Don’t get me wrong some people did have it awful. But we cannot condemn the idea for a few tragic results. I hated the “go outside” when my folks had people over, because I knew something amazing was going to happen and I wasn’t going to see it! You learned to respect them and now as an adult and having those close to me with children. I know why we were told to go, you cannot carry a conversation with a kid in the room, nor can you talk as an adult in front of them. This had another edge to the sword as well. Children think that they deserve as much respect as an adult. And what”s worse they have parents that think that as well. WRONG!! Listen people I have suffered, lived, cried, laughed, and held lives in my hands. There is no intelligent person that thinks a kid deserves as much respect as I. I took a long time getting here and that is what it’s all about. Earning respect, not simply having it handed to you. I never ask for anyone’s respect. I do my level best to earn through my actions. There are still rules mind you and that is why our judicial system is overrun now.

What’s the answer? It’s not easy nor is it feasible. It would and does take parents actually raising their kids and not just living with them. This means making the hard decisions and sticking to them. The children didn’t ask to come into this world, you made that choice for them. It is your resposiblity to give them the rules to govern their lives so that when they have the reins in their own hands they make the right choices. Their adult life good or bad is on you! Take the opportunity to make it a better world and raise your children right. because remember it is they that will take care of you when you no longer can. Thank you for reading this, I feel better now.

Old Memory

I’m writing tonight of a memory. My goal is to see if I can convey the feelings of my past and this experience, it has stayed with me all these years, so I want to write it. I hope that I make it as true and deep as it is in my soul.

It was 1985, I was 18 years old and naive  from a small town and from a different time. My first base was in Shreveport at Barksdale AFB. Upon my arrival at the base some guy’s from Tech School that I knew took me and another guy out  for our first weekend. They said the plan was simple, if we wanted to hang with them we had to get laid on our first weekend. I with all the bravado I could muster said, ” Of course I will…no problem” ! Now inside I was screaming, “Holy Shit….Holy Shit…Holy Shit!!” Not wanting to be the guy that failed my first task to be a member of the group I was ready! We went to a club called Michael’s! It was dark and there were alot of people. Now I had partied at the Airman’s Club at my previous base, but that entailed drinking pitchers of beer through a straw and throwing up! This was a CLUB! So I closed my gaping mouth and made the rounds, giving my best, ” How you Doin’!! And bam a woman smiled back. I asked her to dance and she did. Thanks to my mother I was and I am a good dancer. I did all my best moves. We left the floor I said, ” So can I buy you a drink? “  She accepted and I sat down and we drank and danced the evening away. Then she said, “would you like to come to my place?” I was taking a drink at the time and I spewed beer!! I’m tellin’ ya, I have skills and am Suave!! So I wiped my face with my sleeve and said,”Why sure!”

I’ll skip to the next morning… First thing I saw was an OLD WOMAN in the bed next to me. I refer back the the sentence. The Club was Dark!! She was also philipino, not that it made a difference, but I didn’t know that earlier. She got up and went into the kitchen. At this point I realize there are alot of people living in this house. I hear her talking in a language that I don’t understand, and they are laughing hysterically. Being the young naive male that I am, I know they are laughing at me. So I did the only sensible thing…. I climb out the window and run all the way back to base. Now the problem with this is that she had a base pass, and was waiting at my dorm for me!! I said, Ohh I like to run in the morning’s is all and I couldn’t find her house, so I ran back to base! This led me to hide on base for a few weeks. Now this is not the story that I’m here to tell, but one is necessary for the other.

So, a few weeks have passed and once again I’m at Michael’s. I see a girl and she is looking at me. I take a deep breath and move towards her. Just as I get near her however, I see someone behind her. Now I am immediately struck by this persons  presence, but I am engaged immediately by the girl I came over to see. We dance and I get her number and called it an evening. A few days later I call and we go out. I like this girl, but I find myself wondering about the other girl. And on the second date, there she was at Trina’s house. Turns out that they are friends. I once again am struck by her, and felt bad about it.

A few dates later I notice that this girl I’m dating is trying to use me. We continue to date and I find reasons for her friend to be there. I’m tentative because I’m not sure if she feels what I do. I no longer feel bad about continuing to date Trina because she obviously doesn’t really like me. Her friend however is getting closer and closer. Through this time I took some friends along as dates for her and was finding that I was terribly jealous. I stopped the dating thing, so it was more difficult to have her along on our outings.

Then it happened, after two months of moving around life thew a good pitch. Trina and I went out and she came along. Now as you notice I have not written her name, as fate would have it I remember every detail about her, except her name. Back to the story… Trina and I went out and she was demanding money when we got back to my dorm, I told her that I wasn’t a cash machine. Now we were in my room and her friend was in another room with a guy that Trina had called for her. Trina stormed out of my room and a few minutes later a knock at my door. It was her! Trina had went to that other room and started making out with that guy, and well this girl left the room. She came in and said Trina was leaving with him and she didn’t have a ride. I got a friends car keys and we left.  As I drove, my heart was pounding. I knew that this was my opportunity to tell her how I’ve felt for so long. There was the fear of telling her, the fear of rejection and the fear of how she would react to my carrying this around without telling her.

We drive around and I find a nice place to park. I stop the car and she is sitting so quiet that I know that she knows what I’m doing. I turn in my seat and look at her and my heart flips. She is beautiful, not in a movie star way, but a sweet, kind and yet sexy way. I reach for her hand and it meets mine halfway. I can feel her heartbeat and it is racing and for a moment I can almost hear it. I tell her that I felt something the first time I saw her and that it has only grown since that time. She tells me that she saw it in my eyes that first night and if her friend hadn’t wanted me she would have told me then. I move my hand up her arm to her neck and she holds her breath and I realize that  I’m holding mine as well. I lean in and kiss her for the first time, and it was as it’s told in stories. The world disappeared, I could only taste her taste, breathe her breath and it was the most erotic and sensual thing I had ever felt in my life. In that instant I knew that I was in love with her. The song on the radio was Elton Johns, I guess that’s why they call it the Blues. For the next couple of hours we are intertwined. Sitting there with her in my arms I know what love feels like. And had I died there I would have felt fulfilled.

As I said it was a couple of hours and she bolts upright and says, ” Ohh My mother is gonna kill me”! I said, huh? She told me that she was supposed to be home hours ago. I told her that she could just come and stay with me, she told me that I didn’t understand. So I asked her to explain it to me. She said that she was 15 and lived at home with her parents. You know that saying about a ton of bricks. Now don’t think bad of me here, she was 15, but I was only 18. I told her that I couldn’t be without her anymore and she told me that she felt the same. I drove her home and it was a mess. Let’s just say that there was a shotgun involved. I left in a big hurry with the hopes that I would be with her soon.

Well I couldn’t get her on the phone, and I went so far as to try and get Trina to tell me something. What I was told was that she was under lock and key for a few days and forbade to see me. They told her I was a man and she was just a girl and I was taking advantage of her. Funny really, because I was no more of an adult than she was. After a few days she tried to leave and come to be with me. Her mother at that time took her and placed her with her Aunt. This for my young readers is what they did back then. I was so crushed it was unbelieveable to me. Trina had no idea where she was taken, so it was all over from that point.

It’s amazing that the Elton John song was the song on the radio. If you don’t know it, listen to it. It encapsulates my entire romance with this girl. So imagine if you will having the greatest romantic moment of your life and knowing you found your true love, only to have it taken away. I hear this song often and it’s bittersweet, because I flash to that night and the love and passion I felt, but at the same time the pain of losing her. As time has passed I wonder while listening the song, where she is and what her life is like? Does she have kids and a good husband?  But ultimately I wonder does she hear this song and think of me and that night in the car when we joined at the soul.

Perhaps this is why I haven’t been married or in a serious relationship. Because I’m looking for that connection that I had that night. I will forever wonder about her. I just hope that I don’t forever wonder if I will find that spark again. I’m not getting any younger and time is getting shorter for this world and I.  Please understand I’m forever and optimist and truely believe that it’s out there again for me. I hope that you enjoy this story. I cannot believe how long it is. Please feel free to leave comments.  

Hello world!

I sit here in front of the laptop wondering what to write. I think, since it’s titled “Hello world”, I’ll introduce myself! My name is Dion, I’ve been Dion since I was born. I’m 43 Years old and single. I’ve had a few relationships that didn’t make it for one reason or another. I do have a roommate,it’s my cat and she thinks that it’s her house. I know this because of the way she looks at me when I move anything or walk around. I have 2 jobs in a way, I manage 2 hotels. This is very trying at times, but I have great staffs and that helps me keep my sanity. Well such as my sanity is. I sometimes believe that I’m the only sane person around. Because everyone keeps telling me how crazy they think I am.

I have lived in this City most of my life. I joined the Air Force out of High School and believed it to be the adventure of a lifetime. I travelled to many places and seen more than some ever will. After my tour ended, I came home and then moved all over the state, even lived in Florida for a short time. I was searching for something I guess, but didn’t find it. I’m of the belief that all of life is the search for something. Whether it be yourself, the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect cup of coffee and the ever enormous perfect LOVE!!

The Latter of which will most likely be the central theme of most of my blogs. You see that is the thing that I’m in search of the most. I’m never sure if the relationships of my past were the only chances I will get, or is there  that someone out there. I developed a theory years ago that we are born with a certain number of chances at love and that’s it. If you blow you chances your done. Problem is that you have no idea what your number is. This is what I tell myself is the reason I have been in this dry spell for the last few years. I would like this theory to be wrong of course, because I have a great love inside waiting for her. Sometimes the weight of carrying this love gets heavy and makes me sad. But after a time I can pick it up and carry it longer.

In conclusion of this first post I’ll leave you with this. I am Dion and looking for myself and Love. From time to time I’ll talk about other searches and hopefully gain insight into myself. If any of this makes you smile or think, then I’m happy. You should know that I am, despite what may be derived from my writing, a happy person and glad to be alive and well.  Enjoy your weekends people and I’ll see you in my words soon.