I am putting fingers to keys again to try to put my mind to rest. I have been plagued for the last few weeks by many issues that I cannot get my mind around. The title of this blog matches what I have come up with concerning those around me and well all of us really. I am trying to write my understanding of each of the humans that are around me. In the end I may not know anymore than I do now, but I hope that I can feel better about my life connections. So here goes my definition of my humans.
Family, I have an interesting one. A fine mixture of crazy, intelligent, feminist, redneck, compassionate and Loving folks! They for the most part take me as I am and that is enough for them. I have not been a good relative for quite some time now. You see I have poured myself into my work for so long that I have almost forgotten how to be the person I used to be. That is sad for me and I am going to try to work harder at being me. They have reached out to me and I didn’t know how to take their hand. When I knew that I could so much time had passed that couldn’t bring myself to call back, because I couldn’t lie to them and I didn’t know what to say. There are reasons that I haven’t and I will explain as this progresses further along.
Friends, I actually don’t have as many as I would like, nor do I have as many as I thought I had. I have a simple definition of friend. You talk to, listen to, depend on and are there to be leaned on. And you don’t worry that what you express will ever be told to anyone else. In that regard I can say that I have one friend. Recently I thought that I had more friends and I was so very wrong. I will admit that I was warned by many people of the total lack of integrity, morals or personality. I do have an issue in that I have a faith that everyone has good in them, but I’m learning. Through this mis-judgement I will it seems be finding a new career. My goal through this is that I will work harder at finding more friends and nourishing them so that I have people. And in doing so I won’t have more evenings like this one. I have been home for almost 4 hours and I haven’t uttered a syllable. Sometimes it’s ok to go so long without talking, but it’s bothersome as well.
Others, the most confusing people I know. You see they are the rest of the world. Some I know well, some I know a little and of course some I don’t know at all. I have alot of people around me that I know really well, but for one reason or another they are not friends. I know why most are not friends. I try to be nice to everyone I meet and even nice to those that clearly don’t want to be nice to me. I figure that maybe I can win them over. I had made it 43 years of life without having to say that anyone hated me. But here I am, and I have 2 or 3 people who hate me. I tried my best to get along, but these people made it impossible. The part I hate about myself is that if they would only try I would forgive and move forward. You see one person lead to another and so on. The first I don’t understand, because I brought them into my life thinking that they would be an asset. I worked harder than I ever have to make it work and it backfired on me. Or should I say I was stabbed from behind. This person is someone who works so hard at knowing more than me and will not listen to me and they believe I am in competition with them. The sad part is, I brought them in for their knowledge and ability. Then the backstabbing occurred and added fuel to the fire. Funny that I say fire, because this lead to a snowball effect. This person got the ear of someone who can make my career end and subsequently that person told me that they are going to do just that. I have about a week left.
Well that’s my story. I worked so hard at my career that I pushed my family away. I bring someone into my world to help, and with the assistance of my “friend” they are going to end the career that I worked so hard to have. Yes it’s true I should have kept my feelings to myself and ultimately it is my fault for expressing myself, but in my defense I was talking to a “friend”. I’m concerned that I’m going to leave this world with nobody to say that I made a difference. I’ll keep plugging away and maybe I’ll find a new career soon and it could be the one that I was meant to have. And I hopefully have time to make a difference to someone.
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