My life now

Hello my handful of readers! I haven’t been able to formulate my feelings into words for awhile, but I’m gonna give it a whirl tonight. After losing my job in January I was distraught. No matter what anyone said for a time there I had a plan and it was to end myself. I didn’t tell anyone that I was going to do that. I figured that I wasn’t going to get another job and that I was going to lose everything. I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone, so once I was not able to keep up with bills and such, that was the time to go to sleep. I know that there are people that love me and like me that would be hurt deeply by my leaving, but I thought that in the long run it would be easier on them. Now, I’m not going through with anything now, otherwise I wouldn’t be talking about it now. I am still deeply depressed and showing signs of some psychological issues that frankly I am irritated by because they are not like me at all. You see I’m a social animal and need the company of people, but because I have so little money I am afraid to leave the house because it always cost’s money to go anywhere. Now when I do leave I get a fair bit of anxiety.

This brings me to why I’m writing now. You see since I’ve had these issues I’ve made myself get out and visit with people again. Through this I have gotten information about what is being said about me and frankly it is disturbing. I am angry, hurt, frustrated and just plain pissed off. It seems that someone is going around giving the impression that I am some sort of deviant theif. That I cannot be trusted and thus it is making it very difficult for me to get a job. You know I was thrown away for no good reason, that should have been enough. Now I hear them trying to destroy my good name. Stupid part is that they are doing this in a town that I was born in and am very well connected in. Of course nobody believes them. So I’ve been talking to several people and letting them know the truth and thanking them for understanding.

This week I hear that another person is claiming fame for my destruction. Telling a whopper of a lie, I mean 30 pounds ago maybe, but please don’t make me laugh. This is all I will say about this new one. You know I didn’t know that they had such feelings for me. I’ve been gone for 2 months and they are still trying to break me down to their level. It’s really painful though when someone who I thought was a friend try their best to hurt me for no reason. I guess it was my fault for allowing what should have been a job, consume my whole life. I put myself into what I did, which was try to run the businesses the best way possible and watch out for the people working for me at the same time. My mistake I guess is, I should have waited on someone hand and foot instead of doing what was making a profitable business.

In the end I think I’m the winner. The businesses are not doing as well as they could. I’m betting someone is thinking that they made a big mistake in throwing me away. And I now realize that I was really good at my job, so good that there are 4 people trying to keep up with what I was doing all on my own, and not getting it done. I lived everyday thinking that I was letting someone down and it took this to realize that I was. I was letting myself down, because I was missing out on my friends and family by working all the time. Now it is up to me to make that change in my life for the better. For those who worry, I’m getting better and soon I think I’ll be fine. No I cannot seem to find a job at this point and don’t really know what I’m going do. I’ll keep breathing and I’m getting out more. I plan on getting out and golfing more, maybe I’ll get to be a bad player instead of a terrible one! I will write again soon.

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